Welcome!

This is my first attempt at a blog post, so bear with me while I attempt this new venture of me trying to express my thoughts for the world to read. This particular blog post is something that has been heavy on my mind for quite some time now, and while this may not pertain directly to clients, perhaps you will be able to relate to the imposter syndrome phenomenon that so many of us photographers struggle with along our journey.

Please make sure to come back to visit to see any new blog posts I may share in the future, but for now here is my blog post on "A Photographer's Imposter Syndrome".

It's Me.

Hi, I’m the problem, it's me.

For all of my life, I have felt the need to compare myself to others, and worry how others will perceive me. I’ve never felt like I belong (in anything), and even though I have always put the work in for my education and all the jobs I have worked, I often don’t feel like I’m worthy of any credit that is given to me because I have this notion that I just happen to have gotten lucky in doing a job well done, and no real skill was needed to complete that job. I believe another term for this is Imposter Syndrome. It’s a nasty thing that has been ingrained into my head from a young age, and I am slowly trying to rid that type of thinking from my head.

I could speculate how this has been with me the majority of my life, but I want to focus more on how this has impacted me as an adult in my professional life. And when I use the term “professional”, I mean any job that I have had regardless if I needed a degree or not.

Entering the Workforce

My first job was in a restaurant when I was in high school. I started out as a food bar girl at a local steakhouse, which was perfect for me at the time. It allowed me to not have to communicate with too many people, which worked well with my shyness (social anxiety as I know it today), and allowed me to gain some basic work skills without too much pressure. In this particular steakhouse, they followed a hierarchy for staff to advance to different positions available. For example, you started in the back of the house, then they moved you to the front of the house usually to a hosting position. Here, you would only have to say hi to guests and ask them how many people were in their party, and then seat them. Once you got the hang of that, you would move to cashier. Now as a cashier, you are responsible for getting orders correct and managing money. Finally, at the top was the wait staff position. This is where you wanted to get to so you could make the big bucks by making tips. The catch was you had to have people skills, be able to carry trays with drinks and and meals, and get them to tables in a timely manner.

After working at the steakhouse for about ten months, I was shocked to look at the schedule one day to see I was moving to the front of the house on wait staff. I immediately had a panic attack. I wasn’t moving to hostess or cashier, but I was moving to the top - wait staff. My manager and fellow employees were trying to comfort me and encourage me, but I was petrified. One thing I remember my manager saying was, how she wouldn’t have assigned me a job that she didn’t think I could do. I was totally comfortable in the back of the house making mashed potatoes and mac & cheese because I knew I was good at it, and if I went out front, I wouldn’t be as good as the other wait staff. In step Imposter Syndrome. In retrospect, I’m so glad my manager trusted me and made me make that move, but at the time it was terrifying for me.

I worked as a server through high school, college, and after college while trying to find a full time job. I also worked several different waitressing jobs that allowed me to grow life-long skills working with that public, both professionally and personally. I think every single person should work in customer service for at least a year of their life so they know how to respectfully treat others, but I digress.

After College

Moving on post college, I finally found that full-time “real” adult job in outcomes research at a local health system. While this was not exactly my cup of tea, I am thankful I had that experience as well, because I was able to learn more skills that would help me as I entered my photography journey. However, like most situations in my life, it was a struggle for me. I had a hard time ever being confident enough to do something independently without looking for answers and affirmation from my superiors. Hi, imposter syndrome. I see you.

Just like in my previous work experience, I was advancing but I was doing it reluctantly because I never felt confident in making decisions on my own. In fact, I received my second promotion right before my first maternity leave, but when I returned I begged to go back to my old position. That was a no go, and I stuck out my job until my second child was born.

I know that throughout my life I have worked hard in school and work, because that was how I was raised, but it may also be due to my "people pleaser" personality. To this day, as someone who has entered her fifth decade recently, I have never dared to “get in trouble” by people. If I feel like I have been scolded in anyway at all, it absolutely crushes me.

2021

Today

All of this leads to my photography journey that I started three years ago. In the beginning, I practiced using my camera using subjects that were those close to me in my life. I researched and educated myself by utilizing available resources on how to use a camera and editing software, and I am still continuing to educate myself each day by investing in mentorships and other educational opportunities. I rarely shared much of my work until I felt like it was good (on a scale of very poor to very good). However, in the beginning of my journey, I don't think I compared myself to others as much as I find myself doing now. Perhaps because I knew I was just starting to learn my craft, and to compare would be nonsensical. But now that I have invested so much time and energy into trying to be a photographer, I am starting to doubt myself. Which also makes no sense either when I have so much knowledge under my belt at this point.

I have recently discovered that I see much of myself in my son - there are so many times he will not write down an answer on his homework because he’s afraid it will be wrong. He sometimes is in tears because he just wants to make sure he does what he is supposed to do, and do it how other people want it done. This is me to a T. I just do not want to put anything out there that other people may think is just “meh” or “okay”. But in the end, Art is subjective, not objective. And something that I may feel is beautiful, may not suit other people’s fancy. While this is something I very much struggle with, it’s something I am (slowly) learning to let go of day by day.

Recently, I had seen a social media post from one of the many photographers that I follow on Instagram. And for the life of me, I cannot remember whose post it was, because my life right now goes at a mile a minute trying to coordinate my children, their extracurricular activities, my photography business, and just life in general so when I hop on social media, it can be a quick scroll. In any case, they made a very good point how as artists, we should not be seeing other artists’ work at our fingertips 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In fact, this can have a very negative impact on us as artists because we are now living in this constant state of trying to “keep up” with other photographers. We fall into this rut of constantly comparing our work to others. Also known as - Imposter Syndrome. Why do we do this to ourselves? I see it so much in the photography social media community, and while I value so many photographers and their work, I have recently started to back off from social media because I found it has been bringing my mood down a lot. This past weekend, I completely stayed off my business Instagram account because one, I was busy with sessions, but two, I didn’t want to find myself being “bummed” out. It’s hard. It’s hard to look at others who are blowing it out of the water with gorgeous work, beautiful model families, breathtaking scenery, and hundreds of “likes” on their posts. It can really affect a person’s mentality, and that’s why I want to emphasize that we shouldn’t be immersed in others’ photography all.the.time. I definitely think we should support other photographers by admiring their work, and gaining knowledge and inspiration from them, but like everything in life, it should be in moderation. I would be willing to bet that Leonardo da Vinci, Picasso, and Van Gough didn’t have the constant pressure of seeing other greats’ works on a daily basis.